40. Te extraño mucho.

It should be our 40th monniversary.
Last night, I had a dream about us.
and when I woke up, I cried.. and somehow I wish I could text you just to say "Good morning, Hunnie.. Have a nive day at work"

And then, a friend of mine, MGN (her codename) put a photo as her BlackBerry Messenger display picture. It was a photo from 2010 at our friend's sweet 17th birthday party. And I really know that photo, because it's kinda memorable too for me.
It was MGN and her boyfriend's mid-close up photo and behind them, a bit blur, there were my hand and yours, holding together like nothing could get in our way.
Yeah, we were just like that, and I hope that we're still now. haha :') #StupidMe

12.12.12

Hei.. hari ini hari spesial kalau kata orang-orang dengan tanggalnya yang serba 12.. Hahaha
Tapi entah deh berlaku untukku atau enggak..
Hari ini seharusnya aku ujian satu mata kuliah utama yang mengandung 6 sks, tapi lantaran sakitku dari semalam tu sakit banget, aku enggak bisa ikut :'( Gak tau deh gimana kabarnya..
Sang dosen udah kuhubungi tapi tak kunjung mengkonfirmasi :(

Dan..aku makin kangen kamu..
pengen rasanya di hari spesial bagi orang-orang ini, aku bisa jalanin sama kamu.. kayak 10.10.10 dan 11.11.11 yang lalu..
sebenernya 09.09.09 dulu aku juga sama kamu kan? meskipun belum jadian sih..hehe
aku kangeeeeeeeenn banget sama kamu..
pengen ngerasain pelukan kamu meski cuma lewat SMS atau telepon..
pengen ngobrol sama kamu meskipun cuma lewat SMS atau telepon..

kamu apa kabar di hari ini?
:')

(should be) 3 years 3 weeks

hey, I just saw 'our' DaisyPath, and it told me that we should've been 3 years 3 weeks beating the distance.. haha
yeah, should've..
good night, Nick..

This Semester Final Exam

Jadi, hari ini, aku mulai Ujian Akhir Semester (UAS). Terlintas di ingatanku, terakhir ngadepin ujian adalah waktu pertengahan semester kemarin. Kamu masih ada, Nick.. dan sesulit apapun soal ujian yang aku hadapin, aku tetep tenang, karena ada kamu. Sekarang? Siapa yang bilang "Met ujian ya.. semangat ngerjainnya..love you"?
Aku takut mau ujian.. Aku gak tenang..
Aku keinget sama UAS semester yang lalu. Kita marahan hampir sepanjang aku UAS, dan aku lumayan gundah, tapi kalau ingat kamu, aku tenang lagi. Hasilnya, nilaiku bagus, tapi kan itu hasil penilaian gak cuma pas UAS, melainkan UTS dan harian, di mana kamu selalu ada di situ. Tapi saat aku bilang ke kamu kalau nilainya bagus, kamu malah bilang "Tuh, kamu bisa kan tanpa aku?". Kamu gak ngerti rupanya. Dan kamu ngomong kayak gitu, itu bikin aku sakit banget, seolah-olah aku jadi bikin kamu salah paham.. :(
Tapi sekarang? selama setengah semester kemarin aku gak ada ketenangan, gak ada kenyamanan. Aku gundah banget. Apalagi sekarang, aku mesti ngehadapin UAS, dan kamu tahu, aku sensi sama ujian. Aku takut, Mas.. :'(
Di mana kamu? Aku butuh kamu selalu, Mas.. :'(
Aku rindu ketenangan dan kenyamanan itu.. :'(

terlintas di pikiran..

kamu inget gak waktu kita jalan-jalan? atau kalau kita makan berdua di luar?
makan apa aja, di mana aja, mau di warteg kek, di warung kek, di mana aja, kita pasti asik-asik aja..
buatku yang penting, ada kamu..
a simple happiness :')

sekarang kamu marah-marah sama aku terus, aku keinget sebutan kita dulu "Beauty and The Beast"
ya mungkin sekarang pun aku harus berlaku seperti Belle, yang tenang dan sabar ngadepin Beast.. :')
haha

Tanpa membohongi diri sendiri

Aku kangen sama kamu Nick..
kangen pagi-pagi SMS bangunin kamu, terus cium dan peluk kamu..
kangen nanyain "gimana pagi ini? gimana bobonya tadi?"
kangen ngingetin "Jangan lupa makan ya..yg kenyang :*"
kangen mesenin "ati-ati di jalan ya.."
kangen banget ngelakuin hal-hal simple itu cuma sebagai ungkapan seberapa aku perhatian sama kamu, Nick..
salah kah aku ngangenin itu semua?
maaf kalau itu semua salah..

dan terkadang terpikir, sekarang kamu mungkin udah SMSan sama yang lain, mungkin ada yang lain yg sekarang SMSin kamu kayak gitu, aku jadi agak sedih juga..
cemburu, mas..
pengennya aku yang bisa kayak gitu ke kamu..
cemburuku mungkin karena aku terlalu cinta sama kamu, ingin kamu bahagia, tapi karenaku..
ingin kamu ada di hidupku..
entahlah, mas.. aku pengen seneng karena mungkin kamu udah nemu 'yang lain', tapi karena aku juga gak tau kabarmu, aku jadi cemburu..

capek sebenernya merasa kayak gini, tapi sayangnya ini gak bisa dihindari..
maaf ya mas..

Guess What? It's Just SO you!

"First Love" - by Utada Hikaru

Japanese Version

最後のキスはタバコの flavor がした

ニガくてせつない香り

明日の今頃には 

あなたはどこにいるんだろう

誰を思ってるんだろう

You are always gonna be my love

いつか誰かとまた恋に落ちても

I'll remember to love

You taught me how

You are always gonna be the one

今はまだ悲しい love song

新しい歌 歌えるまで

立ち止まる時間が動き出そうとしてる

忘れたくないことばかり wou

明日の今頃には 私はきっと泣いている

あなたを思ってるんだろう yeah yeah yeah

You will always be inside my heart

いつもあなただけの場所があるから

I hope that I have a place in your heart too

Now and forever you are still the one

今はまだ悲しい love song

新しい歌 歌えるまで

You are always gonna be my love

いつか誰かとまた恋に落ちても

I'll remember to love

You taught me how

You are always gonna be the one

まだ悲しい love song

Now and forever

English Version

Once in a while

You're in my mind

I think about the days that we had

And I dream if this would all come back to me

If only you knew every moment in time

Loving goes on in my heart, just like your memories

How I long here to be with your once more

You'll always gonna be the one

And you should know how I wish I could have never let

you go

Come into my life again, oh don't say no

You'll always gonna be the one

In my heart, so true, I believe I can never find

Somebody like you, my first love

Once in a while

You're in my dreams

I can feel the warmth of your embrace

And I pray that one day you'll come back to me

If only you knew every moment in time

Loving goes on in my heart, just like your memories

How I long here to be with your once more

You'll always be inside my heart

And you should know how I wish I could have never let

you go

Come into my life again, oh don't say no

Now and forever you're still the one

In my heart, so true, I believe I can never find

Somebody like you, my first love

You'll always gonna be the one

And you should know how I wish I could have never let

you go

Come into my life again, oh don't say no

You'll always gonna be the one

So true, I believe I can never find...

Now and forever, you are...

actually, the english version and the japanese one were slightly different in lyrics. and the one that's just SO you is the english version. the whole thing about this song (both version) is about the first love who was a special and forever-will-be the most and the one, but the japanese version was more about she's still gonna move on, while the english version wasn't..

Another Song

3 years ago this song was always reminded me about Jo. Because we had some kinda memories about this song. but now, it was more refers to you.. And every words in this song, just so #DamnItsTrue
But what would you know?

"Puisi" - by Jikustik

Aku yang pernah engkau kuatkan

aku yang pernah kau bangkitkan

aku yang pernah kau beri rasa

saatku terjaga

hinggaku terlelap nanti

selama itu, aku akan selalu mengingatmu

kapan lagi kutulis untukmu

tulisan-tulisan indahku yang dulu

pernah warnai dunia

puisi terindahku hanya untukmu

mungkinkah kau kan kembali lagi

menemaniku menulis lagi

kita arungi bersama

puisi terindahku hanya untukmu

saat kuterjaga

hingga kuterlelap nanti

selama itu, aku akan selalu mengingatmu

kapan lagi kutulis untukmu

tulisan-tulisan indahku yang dulu

pernah warnai dunia

puisi terindahku hanya untukmu

mungkinkah kau kan kembali lagi

menemaniku menulis lagi

kita arungi bersama

puisi terindahku hanya untukmu

Kamu itu..?

aku bingung mau anggep kamu apa.
temen? kamunya kayak gitu..
mantan? aku gak mau nganggep kayak gitu -_-
gebetan? aku gak 'segitunya' ngegebet kamu
musuh? jelas tidak
terus apa...?

aku cuma tau kamu yang ada di hati aku, kamu adalah orang yang spesial buat aku dan aku cinta sama kamu.. itu aja..

Because You Don't Wanna Know

Hey.. I... I.... (miss you so much.. how about you? Last night I had a dream about us. It reminds me about our old days.. I thought it was real, but apparently, it's just a dream.. :') I miss you so much..)
uhm.. I..
nevermind.
sorry.
bye. 
 

last night

I just told you on the Google chat ( I don't even know why I did that) :
"hey, wanna know something 'stupid'? I tried to hug you last night before I went to bed..ha.sorry"
just like that.

and now I feel like shit.

Cher Lloyd - Want U Back

this song's kinda fun, but what's-so-me was just the title.
I mean, the beat doesn't sound like a sad one, but the lyrics shows how she's dying to want him back.
well, yeah, I WANT U BACK, I WANT U BACK, WANT-WANT YOU- WANT YOU BACK! URGH!

source

well, some part of this song is a bit selfish, but maybe we just love someone too much and we're sure that we can make them happy, so we want to be with them so badly and can't let anyone else to have them.

Untitled

2 days, I didn't post. I spent my days laying on the bed, hugging the dolls you gave to me.
I didn't want to do anything, but lying on the bed, waiting for the days to pass.
I cried so much because I miss you, I want to feel you again, but I know if that's impossible.

And your text yesterday, I don't know.. but it makes me feel more awful. then I sent you an e-mail, just to say some stuff that I thought I have to say.

and this morning, I have another thing to say to you
it's a part of The Script's song

"..if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this world I can be. thinking maybe you'll come back into the place that we'd meet, and you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street, so I'm not moving.."

yeah, even how deep you hurt me, my heart's still wanting you.
it needs you, so I'll wait and not gonna move..
I don't know how long would I stay like this
I just do what my heart wants..

all over again..

I know that you're not having that Channing Tatum's face. I realize that your parents are not Richie Rich's. And that's totally fine. Do you know why? Because since the first time, I've been so proud of having you, someone who has a brave heart to love me, to protect me, to teach me many things about life, to hug me when I'm cold or scared (even though just by text, cuz' the distance between us was so far), and care about me while everybody else leave me.

I'm proud of having you. I don't need you to be good looking. I don't need you to be rich. I don't need you to be 24/7 by my side (practically). I don't need you to fancy me with stuff. But I'm proud of you because you always be yourself. The truth of who you are. And I love that. And I'm so proud of that. And I'm so damn proud of having you.

But now... *sigh*

#DamnItsTrue :'(

Momen di Gereja

Tau gak, Mas? Tadi waktu misa, pas "Bapa Kami", pakai yang Konvennas lho..
Aku jadi inget waktu misa sama kamu.. Soalnya waktu itu aku pertama kali tau "Bapa Kami" Konvennas tuh waktu misa sama kamu di gereja kamu itu..
Aku tadi jadi keinget semua momen waktu kita ke gereja bareng..
Selalu bajunya tanpa sengaja warnanya sama, terus kamu selalu makin ngiming-ngimingin aku dengan nunjukkin anak-anak lucu yang pas minta berkat komuni..

Aku kangen banget sama kamu, Mas..
kapan bisa kayak gitu lagi, Mas? Apa kalau dengan keadaan yang sekarang, kamu masih ada keinginan untuk ngulang momen-momen itu lagi, Mas?

Happy Sunday, Nick..
Berkah dalem, Mas..

aku cinta banget sama kamu, Mas..
sayaaaaaaang banget sama kamu... :'(
Andai aja malam ini bisa peluk kamu kayak dulu..
I miss you :'(

The hands

I remember the warmth of your hands when they're holding mines. It just felt so good, comforted me as well.. Secure, in the same time..

I miss you so much, in every ways..

The names..

Aku kangen manggil kamu "Ayah", "Baby", "Sayang", "Hunnie",  "Aiank", "Buffy", "Onyol".. dan semua panggilan itu.. :''''(((