365

It's been a year since we broke up. Since you broke us up. How you're doing?
Don't ask the same question to me, because I'm still missing you.
But lately, I become sick of these feelings and I feel like I want to erase you from my memory. Have you ever watched a movie "Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind"? In that movie, the girl erased her ex-boyfriend from her memory. And that's exactly what I wish I could do.
Just so I don't have to be tortured by these feelings, and I can just move on without even remember that I ever know you once.

I still remember every single words you said. I still remember every promised you make.
and those are lies. Just like Rihanna's song. "The award of THE BEST LIAR goes to you for making me believe that you could be faithful to me. How 'bout around of applause? Standing ovation?"

I do, love you. But also, I really want to hate you.
Some says "if a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart, I guarantee you, she is the one." Haha. Is it mean that I'm the one for you? But how about you? Are you the one for me?
Well, if I am the one for you, I hope you realize it soon enough, before it's too late..
I might still the same girl, who loves you anyway and don't want to lose you..
Yeah, I love you, Nick..
so very very love you 

40. Te extraño mucho.

It should be our 40th monniversary.
Last night, I had a dream about us.
and when I woke up, I cried.. and somehow I wish I could text you just to say "Good morning, Hunnie.. Have a nive day at work"

And then, a friend of mine, MGN (her codename) put a photo as her BlackBerry Messenger display picture. It was a photo from 2010 at our friend's sweet 17th birthday party. And I really know that photo, because it's kinda memorable too for me.
It was MGN and her boyfriend's mid-close up photo and behind them, a bit blur, there were my hand and yours, holding together like nothing could get in our way.
Yeah, we were just like that, and I hope that we're still now. haha :') #StupidMe

(should be) 3 years 3 weeks

hey, I just saw 'our' DaisyPath, and it told me that we should've been 3 years 3 weeks beating the distance.. haha
yeah, should've..
good night, Nick..

Q & A

patah hati? enggak
sakit hati? iya

kangen? semacam itu
banget? entahlah

putus asa? enggak tuh
ngalah? mungkin..

masih cinta? sepertinya..
masih ngarep? hahahaha, shit

menunggu? bisa dibilang begitu..
mencari? uhmm..siapa?pengganti?enggak tahu ya.. dia? enggak kayaknya..

jealous? mungkin
marah? sedikit

masih mikirin? ehm sorry, tapi yg bener itu 'kepikiran'. kalo mikirin, sebisa mungkin enggak
kontak? hahahaha lucu sekali

benci? ga mungkin kayaknya
sebel? sejenis itu

second best? uhm..who?
autumn? yeah, maybe.. enough of summer maybe..

Killing Me Inside

I dreamed about you last night. And sadly, it's killing me now.
Yeah, having a dream about you when I sleep, is now killing me.
When I woke up this morning, I didn't know what I feel. Kinda sad, but kinda frustrated, and a bit of happy that I could 'meet' you in my dream, but that happiness led me to some guilty feelings.
I'm just so fucked up.
I really wish that I could get you out of my head. 'Cuz every time you pop out in my head now, I straightly have this thought about you and that new girl that you know and somehow it tears me apart.
Maybe I'm jealous and kinda disenchanted that you're now like find someone to about replace me and I'm just so far away from you now. I don't even know whether you still have some love left for me? Is there still a little space for me in your heart? in your mind?
Now I kinda want to stop loving you..
*sigh*

A Song That I Might Sing to You If We Ever Meet Again

"Tahu Diri" - by Maudy Ayunda (OST Perahu Kertas)

Hai, selamat bertemu lagi..

Aku sudah lama menghindarimu

Sialkulah kau di sini

Sungguh tak mudah bagiku

Rasanya tak ingin bernafas lagi

Tegak bediri di depanmu kini

Sakitnya menusuk jantung ini

Melawan cinta yang ada di hati

Dan..upayaku tahu diri..

Tak slamanya berhasil

Pabila kau muncul terus begini

Tanpa pernah kita bersama

Pergilah,menghilang sajalah lagi

Bye, selamat berpisah lagi

Meski masih ingin memandangimu

Lebih baik kau tiada di sini

Sungguh tak mudah bagiku

Menghentikan sgala khayalan gila

Jika kau ada dan ku cuma bisa

Meradang menjadi yang di sisimu

Membenci nasibku yang tak berubah

Berkali-kali kau berkata

Kau cinta tapi tak bisa

Berkali-kali ku tlah berjanji

Menyerah....

Dan..upayaku tahu diri

Tak slamanya berhasil

Pergilah,menghilang sajalah

Pergilah,menghilang sajalah lagi...

The Last

Yeah, last night would be the last time I 'stalk' you. I found out that now you have a twitter account. Wow, that's amazing, you know.. since you didn't want to have one, as I remember..
and I read your timeline, and there's this girl that your friend introduced and you kinda like her, especially her smile, right?
I really would happy for you, but I don't know what I'm feeling now..
but it hurts..
I almost couldn't wake from my bed this morning..
I almost pass out at home..
well, what do you care?
I see you're happy know..
congratulations.

Kamu itu..?

aku bingung mau anggep kamu apa.
temen? kamunya kayak gitu..
mantan? aku gak mau nganggep kayak gitu -_-
gebetan? aku gak 'segitunya' ngegebet kamu
musuh? jelas tidak
terus apa...?

aku cuma tau kamu yang ada di hati aku, kamu adalah orang yang spesial buat aku dan aku cinta sama kamu.. itu aja..

Haha :'D

Satu lagu dari Memes. Lagu lama sih.. Zaman aku masih kecil. Tapi liriknya lumayaaaaann nyeesss.. Haha :'D

Terlanjur Sayang (By Memes)

Segala cintaku yang kau jala

Membawa dirikupun percaya

Memberikan hatiku

Hanya kepada dirimu slamanya

Sampai kapan jua

Menjaga sgala rasamu

Agar dirimu selalu merasa
Akan cinta kita

Apakah diriku yang bersalah

Hingga pisah di depan mata

Tetapi diriku masih

Tetap cinta kamu kasih slamanya

Sampai kapan jua

Menjaga cinta kita

Agar tetap di tempatnya sehingga

Takkan sampai punah

Seribu ragu yang kian menyerang

Tapi diriku terlanjur sayang

Walau arah mata angin melawan

Tapi ku bertahan dan kuberjalan

Sambil berkata kaupun menanyakan

Mengapa cinta dipertahankan

Tetapi haruskah dipertanyakan

Bila ku terlanjur

ku terlanjur sayang

Because You Don't Wanna Know

Hey.. I... I.... (miss you so much.. how about you? Last night I had a dream about us. It reminds me about our old days.. I thought it was real, but apparently, it's just a dream.. :') I miss you so much..)
uhm.. I..
nevermind.
sorry.
bye. 
 

last night

I just told you on the Google chat ( I don't even know why I did that) :
"hey, wanna know something 'stupid'? I tried to hug you last night before I went to bed..ha.sorry"
just like that.

and now I feel like shit.

maybe this what happens

but in my version, before that "I had a lot...", I would add "Maybe" because even though there might be some reasons to give up on you, I found more reasons to stay.. but you didn't

Cher Lloyd - Want U Back

this song's kinda fun, but what's-so-me was just the title.
I mean, the beat doesn't sound like a sad one, but the lyrics shows how she's dying to want him back.
well, yeah, I WANT U BACK, I WANT U BACK, WANT-WANT YOU- WANT YOU BACK! URGH!

source

well, some part of this song is a bit selfish, but maybe we just love someone too much and we're sure that we can make them happy, so we want to be with them so badly and can't let anyone else to have them.

Untitled

2 days, I didn't post. I spent my days laying on the bed, hugging the dolls you gave to me.
I didn't want to do anything, but lying on the bed, waiting for the days to pass.
I cried so much because I miss you, I want to feel you again, but I know if that's impossible.

And your text yesterday, I don't know.. but it makes me feel more awful. then I sent you an e-mail, just to say some stuff that I thought I have to say.

and this morning, I have another thing to say to you
it's a part of The Script's song

"..if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this world I can be. thinking maybe you'll come back into the place that we'd meet, and you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street, so I'm not moving.."

yeah, even how deep you hurt me, my heart's still wanting you.
it needs you, so I'll wait and not gonna move..
I don't know how long would I stay like this
I just do what my heart wants..

Momen di Gereja

Tau gak, Mas? Tadi waktu misa, pas "Bapa Kami", pakai yang Konvennas lho..
Aku jadi inget waktu misa sama kamu.. Soalnya waktu itu aku pertama kali tau "Bapa Kami" Konvennas tuh waktu misa sama kamu di gereja kamu itu..
Aku tadi jadi keinget semua momen waktu kita ke gereja bareng..
Selalu bajunya tanpa sengaja warnanya sama, terus kamu selalu makin ngiming-ngimingin aku dengan nunjukkin anak-anak lucu yang pas minta berkat komuni..

Aku kangen banget sama kamu, Mas..
kapan bisa kayak gitu lagi, Mas? Apa kalau dengan keadaan yang sekarang, kamu masih ada keinginan untuk ngulang momen-momen itu lagi, Mas?

Happy Sunday, Nick..
Berkah dalem, Mas..

Unspoken

You text me this afternoon. You said thank's for the present. Well, I'm glad that the package's finally there. I wanted to reply your text, asking whether you've opened the present, since I've written on the tag to open it on your birthday night, but something made me too lazy to do it. I don't know.. Maybe I'm too afraid. Afraid that you'll reply my text, unpleasantly.. Or maybe I'm afraid that you're actually hate the fact that I still sent you a birthday present..
What I know, I just want to sit here, in the darkness and silence, waiting..

linglung

aku menangis
tanpa raungan, tapi dikuasai isakan
terlalu sedikit untuk bisa dikata banyak, terlalu banyak jika dibandingkan dengan setetes
gelap. tak jelas kenapa, untuk apa
tapi hatiku seperti jantung yang hampir tak bernyawa rasanya..
hentikan semua ini..tolong..

:'|

Aku: Seneng gak sih?
Kamu: Menurutmu?
Aku: Kadang iya, kadang biasa aja..
         lha gimana?
Kamu: ya biasa aja..
Aku: oh..