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2 days, I didn't post. I spent my days laying on the bed, hugging the dolls you gave to me.
I didn't want to do anything, but lying on the bed, waiting for the days to pass.
I cried so much because I miss you, I want to feel you again, but I know if that's impossible.

And your text yesterday, I don't know.. but it makes me feel more awful. then I sent you an e-mail, just to say some stuff that I thought I have to say.

and this morning, I have another thing to say to you
it's a part of The Script's song

"..if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this world I can be. thinking maybe you'll come back into the place that we'd meet, and you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street, so I'm not moving.."

yeah, even how deep you hurt me, my heart's still wanting you.
it needs you, so I'll wait and not gonna move..
I don't know how long would I stay like this
I just do what my heart wants..

all over again..

I know that you're not having that Channing Tatum's face. I realize that your parents are not Richie Rich's. And that's totally fine. Do you know why? Because since the first time, I've been so proud of having you, someone who has a brave heart to love me, to protect me, to teach me many things about life, to hug me when I'm cold or scared (even though just by text, cuz' the distance between us was so far), and care about me while everybody else leave me.

I'm proud of having you. I don't need you to be good looking. I don't need you to be rich. I don't need you to be 24/7 by my side (practically). I don't need you to fancy me with stuff. But I'm proud of you because you always be yourself. The truth of who you are. And I love that. And I'm so proud of that. And I'm so damn proud of having you.

But now... *sigh*

Tick Tock

As the clock's ticking, I'm thinking. Thinking about us. What we've been through, the ups and downs, the laughters and cries. And then I'm still wondering about how you're doing now. Are you okay? For real? Not just that kind of literally okay?

I miss you..
How about you? Do you miss me? Or do you miss US?
I do miss US very much..
but you hate that..
:(

Tonight, I pray to God to protect you. All pieces of you. Your health, your mind, your heart..
how's your heart anyway? Is it still complete? Or does it feel like lose something, just like my heart feels?

I miss your laughter, your smile, your silly face, even your childish anger..
I miss everything about you and everything you did when we're still 'US'.

Will we see each other again? Will you be pleased to see me again? Or will you curse that day if that happen?

Goodnight, Nick..
Sleep tight, have a nice dream, would you?
I still hope that what you did last month was just a joke or a nightmare..

...

precisely last month, we broke up. you broke us up. and I can't fool myself about how I feel. I'm so damn terribly missing you. I wish you know that, but I don't want you to know that. I'm still scared, 'cuz the fact that I still have this strong feeling about you, makes you hate me more.

I really want to reply your yesterday's text, but I don't know.. I don't feel like I want to do it for real. I don't have the guts. And somehow, I'm afraid that I'd hope more by replying your text.

A few minutes ago, I saw you commented on your friend's status on FB. And I read that you told him that you have so many unlucky things happening around you, and I'm just one of it, and you made it sound like our case was just not that shitty, compared by other problems you through.
I'm so tortured read it. Because I thought, at least you'd be fine after not having me in your life, while the fact's the opposite..
I thought the hunch that I felt about you lately wasn't true. I really wish that I could text you, just to know how's actually you're doing, and what's been happening to you lately, but (yeah, another 'but' ) I don't think you'll be calmed by me. I think you're just gonna get more upset, since you've been trying to push me away lately. I mean, you act like you really don't want me to be in your life ever again in any aspects.
I've tried my best to do what you asked: stay away from you. I did it just to make you feel better ('cuz I think that you ask something that makes you feel more comfortable), while the fact, you're not. There are still many things that bothering you.
I can't see you like this. I want you to be happy, but what can I do when the fact that I still love you and care about you, is something that you don't want to be happen, and when I'm around you it'll bother you more?

aku sayang dan cinta banget sama kamu, Mas.. aku gak bisa menghentikan rasa ini, apalagi untuk gak peduli sama kamu.. Aku pengen bantu kamu, meski mungkin cuma sebagai tempat cerita atau apalah, tapi yang kamu lakukan kemarin-kemarin itu nunjukin banget gimana kamu gak suka ada aku. Andai aku bisa ngelakuin sesuatu.. Apa aja buat bikin kamu ngerasa lebih baik..
I swear.. Anything.. Anything just to make you feel better..
But you don't want me anymore. You just can't stop yourself pushing me away..

just so you know, the fact that you're not fine and I can't do anything about it is way more torturing me than the matter of you pushing me away..

aku cinta banget sama kamu, Mas..
sayaaaaaaang banget sama kamu... :'(
Andai aja malam ini bisa peluk kamu kayak dulu..
I miss you :'(

Afraid List

I'm afraid:

• that you'll hate me forever
• that you'll find someone else, without knowing what's exactly you're feeling
• that you'll ignore me for your whole life
• that you'll never find out how much you're mean to me
• that no one's would ever understand how much you're so right for me
• that I can't have you in my life anymore
• that I have to live my life without you
• without you