Frustration?

I nearly can't believe it. It's been almost 2 years since the last time we met and I still haven't got over you. We don't live in the place where we're possible to see each other frequently, nor we stay in touch often, but still you're the one who takes the largest space in my mind.

It sounds stupid, but I really started to think that you put some kind of spell on me and forgot to undo it.

I've changed my room decoration and layout. I've changed all of my old stationary. I've changed almost everything. But it seems like nothing can stop the fact that a lot of simple things in my daily reminds me of you.

I really, really, really tired of this shit. I want to be free. Free from your shadows, from this feeling, and free my mind from the thoughts of you.

I even still got visions about you sometimes, when the fact is I'm trying not to give a fuck about you.

You wanna know what's tiring me more? People saying "Come on, you gotta move on"
Shit. It's like they don't see how many times I've tried to see some new guys but none of them worked eventually.

All I've ever done from the start is loving you. Why can't I stop while you already can?

Random Song Lyrics

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? I'm falling to pieces" - The Script (Break Even)

"Don't you ever say I just walked away, I will always want you. I can't live a lie, running from my life, I will always want you" - Miley Cyrus (Wrecking Ball)

"You used to call me your angel. Said I was sent straight down from heaven. I never wanted you to leave. I wanted you to stay here, holding me. I miss you. I miss your smile. And I'm still shed a tear every once in a while. And even though it's different now, you're still here somehow" - Miley Cyrus (I Miss You)

"You are the piece of me I wish I didn't need. If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?" -  Zedd ft Foxes (Clarity)

"You took my hand. You showed me how. You promised me you'd be around. I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me. Remember when we were such fools and so convinced and just too cool..
I wish I could touch you again. I wish I could still call you friend. I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now 'fore they're long gone, I guess I just didn't know how. I was all wrong. They knew better. Still you said forever. And ever, who knew" - P!nk (Who Knew)

365

It's been a year since we broke up. Since you broke us up. How you're doing?
Don't ask the same question to me, because I'm still missing you.
But lately, I become sick of these feelings and I feel like I want to erase you from my memory. Have you ever watched a movie "Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind"? In that movie, the girl erased her ex-boyfriend from her memory. And that's exactly what I wish I could do.
Just so I don't have to be tortured by these feelings, and I can just move on without even remember that I ever know you once.

I still remember every single words you said. I still remember every promised you make.
and those are lies. Just like Rihanna's song. "The award of THE BEST LIAR goes to you for making me believe that you could be faithful to me. How 'bout around of applause? Standing ovation?"

I do, love you. But also, I really want to hate you.
Some says "if a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart, I guarantee you, she is the one." Haha. Is it mean that I'm the one for you? But how about you? Are you the one for me?
Well, if I am the one for you, I hope you realize it soon enough, before it's too late..
I might still the same girl, who loves you anyway and don't want to lose you..
Yeah, I love you, Nick..
so very very love you 

40. Te extraño mucho.

It should be our 40th monniversary.
Last night, I had a dream about us.
and when I woke up, I cried.. and somehow I wish I could text you just to say "Good morning, Hunnie.. Have a nive day at work"

And then, a friend of mine, MGN (her codename) put a photo as her BlackBerry Messenger display picture. It was a photo from 2010 at our friend's sweet 17th birthday party. And I really know that photo, because it's kinda memorable too for me.
It was MGN and her boyfriend's mid-close up photo and behind them, a bit blur, there were my hand and yours, holding together like nothing could get in our way.
Yeah, we were just like that, and I hope that we're still now. haha :') #StupidMe

(Untuk Sekarang,) Selamat Tinggal

ok. kemarin aku selesai. selesai dengan bayang-bayangmu, selesai dengan semua rasa yang mengganjalku.
aku kemarin mampir ke rumahmu beberapa detik untuk menaruh serangkaian permintaan maaf. yup, hanya ku letakkan di depan rumahmu.
karena apa? ya, aku MEMANG gak punya cukup nyali untuk menitipkannya langsung melalui orang di rumahmu, apalagi saat aku baru di depan rumahmu, aku lihat ada bapak kamu. jadi, cuma ku letakkan di depan rumahmu, lalu aku pergi. Bahkan, saking gak ada nyali, aku ke rumahmu pun ditemani seseorang yang sudah men-supportku terus selama ini. ya, aku pikir, biar saja lah, toh memang untuk sekarang, itu yang terakhir.
rangkaian kata-kata yang terakhir aku ingin ucapkan untuk sekarang, selagi aku masih ada waktu.
ya sekalipun aku gak punya nyali, aku tau aku memang salah, dan mau gimanapun, aku gak akan tenang sebelum benar-benar minta maaf ke kamu. meskipun aku juga gak tahu kamu bersedia baca itu atau enggak. Biar Tuhan yang memilihkan.

terima kasih untuk semuanya. aku sudah beranjak darimu, meski mungkin belum kepada yang lain. tapi aku tak akan mengusikmu sebelum kamu minta lagi :)

me,to Nick

12.12.12

Hei.. hari ini hari spesial kalau kata orang-orang dengan tanggalnya yang serba 12.. Hahaha
Tapi entah deh berlaku untukku atau enggak..
Hari ini seharusnya aku ujian satu mata kuliah utama yang mengandung 6 sks, tapi lantaran sakitku dari semalam tu sakit banget, aku enggak bisa ikut :'( Gak tau deh gimana kabarnya..
Sang dosen udah kuhubungi tapi tak kunjung mengkonfirmasi :(

Dan..aku makin kangen kamu..
pengen rasanya di hari spesial bagi orang-orang ini, aku bisa jalanin sama kamu.. kayak 10.10.10 dan 11.11.11 yang lalu..
sebenernya 09.09.09 dulu aku juga sama kamu kan? meskipun belum jadian sih..hehe
aku kangeeeeeeeenn banget sama kamu..
pengen ngerasain pelukan kamu meski cuma lewat SMS atau telepon..
pengen ngobrol sama kamu meskipun cuma lewat SMS atau telepon..

kamu apa kabar di hari ini?
:')

(should be) 3 years 3 weeks

hey, I just saw 'our' DaisyPath, and it told me that we should've been 3 years 3 weeks beating the distance.. haha
yeah, should've..
good night, Nick..